Washing dishes, I stopped in my tracks, a tear forming in the corner of my eye. A song’s lyrics perfectly captured what I couldn’t yet articulate on my own, shifting shadows on the inner anxiety I had felt. In her dusky, mellow, piano-accompanied voice, a musician from my hometown, Sara Groves bellowed:
“I always thought with you and me
Though it’s not on paper
There would never be
A deal breaker”
This phrase hung in my mind, suddenly framing so many of my relationships wrought with the angst of the endless political and environmental pressures and polarization so prevalent today. This phrase of the song, putting to melody the relational gate closing in front of you.
In the wake of the election season, perhaps it is safe to say that all of us have been on one side of the gate or the other, more often than is comfortable to say aloud. Sometimes, we see the gate shut in front of us, and sometimes, we are the ones locking it tight.
I won’t suppose to understand the intricacies of how and why things are so polarized, nor the psychological, emotional, and relational impacts of our environment and how to change it. There are people with the data, experiences, and expertise who may.
What I know is that this dynamic makes entering and reaching out to others in a new military community feel more complex, anxiety-inducing, even. When establishing new relationships and support systems from scratch, the stakes feel higher — will they write me off for one comment? What if we don’t agree on what we think is real?
Your deal breakers are likely different from mine because your upbringing, experiences, perspectives, and values are different.
Everyone has their own strategies for navigating new installation living, but one of mine is to adopt this phrase: We disagree on a lot of things — can we be friends?
This mantra isn’t possible for everyone. For some, disagreement means denial of their personhood, experiences, or wellbeing. Disagreement does, in some cases, require distance.
But for those who so choose, it is a simple way to remember that disagreements don’t always have to be deal breakers.
Military life can feel filled with relational interactions with zero to little context. If you were living in the same town for most of your life, most of the people you encounter would have connection to your loved ones, places, or other common points of interest. But in the military community, you may have a few mutual contacts, but you often meet someone with no reference to their background, relationships, or beliefs. Your only obvious common ground might be the military lifestyle itself, or perhaps a job or duty station.
One thing I’ve learned in forging a military community is that it can be easy to hide the aspects of yourself that you think are too different from those around you. I have certainly done that more often than I dare admit. And some face greater risks in letting their guards down than others.
But what if these very differences you bring could ignite a new idea, courage, or a fresh understanding of the world in the people you encounter? What if they could genuinely benefit from seeing the world from your unique perspective? What if you could benefit from some aspect of theirs?
Some deal breakers remain so for a reason. Only you know where your lines are. But some differences and disagreements aren’t worth losing someone, or losing the opportunity to forge a genuine friendship, belong to a tight knit team, or join a community.
This election season impacted many heavily, for wildly different reasons. Perhaps what may be more apt for some than making judgments and proclaiming opinions in the wake of the results is an actively listening ear, an attitude of support for those close by, and, maybe, to give — and receive — just a little bit more grace.
As Grove’s song continues:
“And I can feel all our distance
And the hidden reasons why
But some days I can see us
And we’re soft and reconciled”
Aria Spears is a writer, communications professional and civic leadership enthusiast. With a master’s degree in nonprofit and civic leadership, Aria can be found exploring cities, persuading people to join local civic boards and sharing her book The Community Mapping Journal. When it comes to active-duty military family life, she believes that joy makes us strong.
