For a while now, I’ve noticed a drastic change in the Fort Liberty community. I’ve seen increased complaints about bullying in our schools and a gaping hole in the open-armed community I found myself in when we arrived in August of 2023. I can tell the kindness hasn’t completely disappeared, but it does seem much harder to find.
Where there once was an outpouring of kind words and support in many Facebook group settings, there now seems to be a cold front. A struggle spreads during the holidays — Thanksgiving through Christmas — that leaves many wanting to find help or support, others wanting to provide and many eager to judge. And even when I don’t see arguments or judgement, I find heartbreaking posts from spouses feeling worthless because they are “just a dependa.”
For those who don’t know, “dependa” is a slang term known in the military community meaning a military spouse. Spouses and children are recognized as dependents for service members to receive benefits such as health insurance, BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) and BAS (Basic Allowance for Subsistence). Dependa exaggerates this status to say military spouses fully depend on their service members for money, insurance and housing.
Those using the term also poke fun at openly supporting your spouse. Spouses who may have military merch, such as bumper stickers or t-shirts, are turned into spouses who “wear their spouses rank,” “have no lives of their own,” or other derogatory phrases. The thing I find most surprising is when it comes from other military spouses.
When we arrived at Fort Liberty I had an “Army Wife” sticker plastered proudly on my Jeep and found myself ripping it off, ashamed. Now I just have the outline of the sticker as a reminder of the hatred I read online about who I was.
As I transition from a clueless Army spouse trying to find my place in this community to an established Army wife, I’d like to spread the message to all of the spouses reading the hatred and feeling down on themselves because they are “just a dependa”: you are so much more than that. It is okay to wear the T-shirt, to keep the bumper sticker. To those sharing and buying into the “coolness” of shunning proud and supportive spouses, I’d like to remind you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Spouses living in the Fort Liberty community may not have employment for a multitude of reasons, such as lack of available jobs in their chosen fields within a reasonable distance. Fort Liberty is one of the largest installations in the U.S., which has oversaturated the local job market. It is not uncommon for spouses to have to travel upwards of an hour to gain meaningful employment, this I understand firsthand as I travel 45-60 minutes for work, something not doable for all spouses.
Our industry spouses have the continued challenge of reestablishing clientele each time they relocate, an obstacle I can’t imagine facing. In addition, many military families only have one source of transportation as it is not always possible to transport both vehicles when PCSing (Permanent Change of Station), a move on military orders.
And for stay-at-home spouses: When your partner has an unpredictable schedule, it can be hard to accommodate that when working outside of the home. It can often lead to conflicting schedules and missing valuable time when your spouse has to leave for an extended period of time at a moment’s notice for deployment or various other duties. If a spouse has the ability to stay home, I’m not sure why it would matter to anyone else. They do not deserve to be made unhappy or to feel worthless because of another person’s opinion of their lifestyle.
Another thing to consider is that some spouses may not work outside of the home as they have children and they choose to be a stay-at-home parent, or they don’t have a choice with the current rates for childcare. Even if families can afford childcare, this is no easy feat to obtain here on Fort Liberty with extensive waiting lists and a few too many requirements. To further emphasize, stay-at-home parents still have a full-time job: bringing up children, cooking, cleaning and running errands. This role is tough physically, mentally and emotionally, not to be underestimated.
If you are a stay-at-home parent and military spouse, please know that you are so much more than a dependa. Your family is dependent on you and all you do for them. What you do is meaningful, and I hope that you are told you are appreciated. You are far from worthless.
Before you call someone a dependa, remember:
Speaking poorly about each other opens the door for others to do the same.
Derogatory words carry more weight than we may think. Those words could cause someone to battle with mental health. Is it worth it?
Everyone in the world is out there doing the best they can, and deserves to be uplifted, celebrated, appreciated and supported. Your opinion of them has no place in how you treat them, especially when you don’t know them. Be proud of your service member, and don’t shame another spouse for doing the same. Every military spouse knows that it’s not an easy role, and we shouldn’t make it any harder.
Let’s bring back the kindness, care and compassion I know this giant community is capable of and get rid of words like “dependa.”