It was a common scenario: a post detailing a spouse’s questionable activities online to a spouse group. They shared in hopes of crowdsourcing an answer: Should this be a dealbreaker — or not?
With such a mobile life, many military-affiliated people understandably rely on online communication to maintain core systems: long-distance family and friend support, PCS research, housing research, schooling, finances, remote work, virtual workouts, grocery assistance, networking, connecting with like-minded people and more.
I’m reminded this Valentine’s Day that the quality of a relationship is tested in the smallest of details. And this is especially true in a lifestyle that creates many “opportunities” to assess how and why a significant relationship is either growing strong or withering away.
With so many core household systems online, in what ways can a couple navigate how each shows up in digital spaces?
Andrew Finkler, licensed clinical mental health counselor at Fayetteville Family Life Center, works with military families in the Fort Liberty region. Finkler is also an Army veteran who retired out of Fort Liberty in 2013.
Here’s the scoop on his thoughts on how couples can navigate online expectations.
Answers have been edited for clarity and brevity.
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How do couples typically handle online expectations in your experience?
Couples typically start with 100% trust and when something bad happens never completely trust each other after that. That is why it is so important to communicate expectations early in the relationship. Respecting each other’s boundaries early on is key to healthy online and offline communication.
What would you say are some questions couples discuss in terms of their online lives?
Social media and other online activity cause considerable issues with couples. Questions couples should ask early on in their relationship would be things like: How do we respect each other’s time and space when it comes to social media? They should agree what is a reasonable amount of time spent and where it should be managed in and outside the home.
What would you say are some red flags for spouse online communication?
One major red flag is not knowing the difference between secrecy and privacy. Some spouses in the military may have to keep work-related things secret due to the confidential nature of their work. But poor work/home boundaries will start to look suspicious over time.
What would you say are green flags for online communication?
Prioritizing the relationship first. And what increases trust and a major green flag in relationships is how spouses treat each other and respect each other offline.
What are some of the greatest challenges you have observed among military couples?
One of the biggest challenges military couples have is prioritizing their relationship among their other responsibilities. Service members typically prioritize their jobs and the ones who stay home typically prioritize the children. Most of the conflict that evolves here is a disconnect in the marriage that, initially, seemed like the noble sacrifice in the beginning, then becomes an issue of disconnect for the couple.
As it pertains to online presence, the biggest disconnect issue for military couples is how they prioritize each other in their daily communication. Something as little as an emoji can mean a lot to spouses who may struggle with being thousands of miles away from extended family.
Neglected spouses on both sides start to look for connections when even the smallest of emotional needs are not met.
If you could leave military couples with one piece of advice for how they navigate expectations of one another related to their online lives, what would you say?
Don’t let your online life be a substitute for your real life. If you feel that your real life is missing something, find out what it is. If you cannot seem to figure it out on your own, please find a therapist or chaplain to help you get started.
I cannot emphasize enough the need to respect each other’s time and space, and the space they share together. Family time for military families is so sacred because often it is so sparse.
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As you exchange gifts and Valentine’s candy in this season of love, exchange the gift of kind clarity in your relationship, too. Cozy up with your significant other this month and get talking about your expectations of each other’s presence online. Be honest, be kind, and find out just how strong your relationship can be.
Aria Spears is a writer, communications professional and civic leadership enthusiast. With a master’s degree in nonprofit and civic leadership, Aria can be found exploring cities, persuading people to join local civic boards and sharing her book The Community Mapping Journal. When it comes to active-duty military family life, she believes that joy makes us strong.
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