In marriage, closed ears can’t hear

From the moment you say “I do” and take the plunge into marriage, it’s difficult to prepare for what the future holds. Similarly, the moment you or your spouse signed the dotted line committing to military service, you can never anticipate what’s to come.

Combining the two complicates these commitments — something those in the military community understand all too well.

The military requires that service members serve a specific length of time in intervals of the service members’ choosing. Once your contract is complete, you may choose to stay committed to the military, or to get out. Marriage, on the other hand, is designed as a lifelong commitment — “‘til death do us part.” Sadly, for some, challenges end the lifelong commitment before its contract has been completed, making marriage in the military a battlefield of its own. 

Divorce is not reserved for military relationships and is a reality for a number of couples. Sure, “over half of marriages end in divorce” is a bit of an exaggeration, but the saying has merit, especially if you’re in the military: the divorce rate among couples attached to the military is almost 50% higher than the overall U.S. divorce rate.

It is important to note these numbers can vary based on military branch or gender, as women in the military face higher divorce rates than military men. As these statistics transitioned from numbers I read on a screen to real people, friends, neighbors, and members of my community, I realized rates were much harsher once you’ve seen them up close and in person.  

Since my arrival to Fort Liberty a year ago, I have closely followed the stories of at least six couples (personal friends and members of my community) who became another one of these statistics. While I could never begin to understand what it’s like to be in the military, I do know what it’s like to keep a relationship going for 14 years. And I know that it has not always been easy, especially since my husband has made the decision to join the Army.

While I would consider my husband and I both open-minded when it comes to communicating, sometimes our communication isn’t quite where it needs to be. Sometimes, a problem is just bigger than us and we need guidance to navigate. No matter the situation, when things get really tough, my husband and I both always choose each other. In order to do that, we’ve chosen couples’ or marriage counseling to make sure we continue to choose each other — even when we may not like each other. Our foundation has been established that there is nothing wrong with going, but there is something wrong with not going when needed.

Oftentimes, the best way to ensure your marriage not only survives, but also thrives, is to ask for guidance. While meeting with John Edwards, a licensed family and marriage counselor, I was shown why he was highly recommended within the Fort Liberty community. Edwards is no stranger to working with military couples and families, striving to demonstrate how connections serve as a foundation to all relationships and benefit every couple. 

In his 12 years of practice, Edwards cites communication as the most problematic relationship element among military couples. It’s not that couples can’t communicate, he says, but they struggle with the “what” and the “how.”  Counseling helps identify underlying issues and guides couples to finding the connection needed to discover a better approach. 

Edwards illustrates this idea with a simple example. One spouse may seem upset the other is playing video games. “Verbally they may yell about the video game, but they are actually trying to communicate that they miss you and want to spend more time with you,” he says. This example is one of many and varies by couple, but the general message remains the same. 

Strong communication skills are an essential tool in military relationships, especially, as they face one of the toughest strains on a relationship: extended periods of separation. Miscommunication can make the relationship harder and more susceptible to conflict. 

Edwards discusses a deeper scenario. A family undergoes a lengthy separation because of deployment. The spouse of the service member feels sensitive to the active-duty member in the reintegration process after returning home. 

“It may feel to the spouse like the service member is interfering in a routine established in their absence,” Edwards said. “Without discussing how to transition the service member into the routine, the service member may feel left out, unsure how to best assist in a meaningful way. The spouse could potentially become resentful if the service member is not actively involved, leading to conflict.” 

That scenario would not improve without clear and effective communication, adequately reunifying the service member. Edwards describes managing this by changing the perspective.

“Think instead like you are adding a new player to the team and identifying what their roles will be,” he said. “This allows the spouse to have some of the load removed and for the active-duty member to become more of a participant again. The idea is we are a team, we’re doing this together, and this is good for us as a team.”

Edwards’ approach allows couples to take the lead in navigating what is shared and how they wish to share it. 

Sometimes, couples may think once they’ve reached the point of choosing separation, marriage counseling is pointless. Edwards notes that on the contrary, therapy could still be very beneficial. With that, he adds that each individual is in charge of determining if the marriage is worth it to them, and if they want it to work. 

“Good therapy is dependent on you,” he said. “The therapist is the navigator, you are the one driving the car.” 

No matter the commitment, military or marriage, it matters, and it is more than just a piece of paper. Marriage is a commitment like all others; it requires practice, patience, and determination. Marriage counseling is not an indicator your marriage will not survive or that you’ve failed. It is an indicator that you are determined for your marriage to thrive, and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to succeed.