The war inside

Editor’s note: This column discusses suicide and may be triggering for some readers.

The minute the day begins the million little things I went to bed thinking about resurface. 

Almost robotically I complete my morning routine with a close eye on the time, quickly becoming distracted by my own thoughts — with where I need to be, what I need to do — and the smell of coffee. The pressure to be a good wife, mom, student, employee, friend, and person often makes life feel fleeting, passing by much faster than I can ever seem to comprehend. 

Most days I feel like I’ve blinked and a week has passed by. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who can’t quite keep up with where the time has gone. 

In all the chaos of meeting life’s demands, it’s almost impossible not to become consumed with our own existence. Managing our schedules, finances, and relationships is no easy task. The dangerous consequence of our balancing act is that when given the opportunity to save a life we may overlook, or worse, ignore it. It is all too easy to miss the details of what is going on in the lives of those around us no matter how hard we try. We are also rarely given the chance to know exactly what is going on in the mind of someone else.  

The mind is a powerful place, and it can burden those coping with mental health struggles. When you manage conditions like PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder, it can become a war inside.

Soldiers and families often relocate, creating periods of isolation, or an inability to identify where to draw support and help when the thoughts inside your mind become overbearing.

Living in a military community I cannot express how important it is to recognize and respond appropriately to those who need someone to bring them back from an edge from which they may not return. While the military community isn’t the only one that grapples with suicide, our active-duty friends and neighbors deal with issues that complicate existing mental health concerns — and potentially create them. Anyone can break, even the strongest person. If they do, recognizing and responding appropriately will be the difference between bringing them back or wishing you had known, or done something differently. 

It’s easy for me to talk to anyone who will listen about the many hats I wear. I could go on for days about my husband and children, good grades, wonderful employers, and fantastic people in my life. It is, however, much harder to talk about the battles I face with mental health. Recently, I’ve found I can’t hide it, and that I shouldn’t. 

I came face to face with the edge — and walked away. I was eventually able to see what my mind was trying to convince me I didn’t have. 

Not the end

This crisis is the first I’ve had in a long time and the first I’ve had since my husband joined the Army. It was almost the end of my story. Instead, I’m thankful to have been given the opportunity to be sitting here writing — providing you with a glimpse of what has gone through my mind in hopes it could someday save the life of another.

At some point I started to believe that I wasn’t worth it, the stress and agony of dealing with someone struggling with mental health. That I wasn’t worthy of any of these things I have in my life. That the battle is too hard, too dark and too lonely to ever really make it out of. That no one could understand. That I was sick of living while carrying a weight so heavy. Knowing that no one knew how I was feeling inside. 

I couldn’t tell myself it wasn’t real. I knew it would be said I was selfish, but I couldn’t think of any other way out. Could other people’s opinions of me be any worse than how I felt about myself? I was tired of just surviving, going through the motions, and pretending to be OK when I couldn’t stop hurting. I found myself alone while my husband was away for work and my kids were out of town, thinking: “This must be it.”  

Something inside me knew I didn’t want to go, but I had no idea how to stay. I wanted to ask for help, but who could I ask to help me through this? Would anyone I call think I was just looking for attention, or judge me? 

I decided to ask for help anyway, and to be judged if that’s what it took. I decided to live. I knew what I was feeling was just one moment; there would be so many other moments I would miss if I chose differently.

And I’m so happy I sought help. 

Afterward, I confided in the people in my life about where I was emotionally, and my diagnosis. I feared judgment, but overcoming that fear saved my life in the first place. I needed them to know because I needed their support. I needed to know that even if I feel alone again I am not alone. 

If you are struggling with mental health or thoughts of suicide, please know you are not alone. You have to talk about it, let someone in, and allow those around you to help you. They may not know how you’re feeling inside. If you’ve tried to talk about and don’t receive the help you need, don’t stop looking for help because I promise you, help is there. You are worth it, you are loved, and you can win this battle.

If you or anyone you know is in need of free counseling, call, text or chat 988, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).